if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
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you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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