If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
