I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Small penises have feelings too.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
