Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
