Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"