We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
