i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
