finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
