she woke up with a sticky ear
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
