well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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