Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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