You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
