if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
