I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
