You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
