Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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