Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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