I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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