My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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