I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
