I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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