Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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