Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
