i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it's great music for shaving your balls
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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