I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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