Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
