sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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