I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
