I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am available for nakedness
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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