Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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