life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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