Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
