I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
