im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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