therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
