I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
