Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
