Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I am available for nakedness
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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