Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
