so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
