so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
