when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
