To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize