Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
