on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
