Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
