my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
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I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
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Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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