$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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