my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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