My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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