.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
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We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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