This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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