One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
