Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
