never play flip cup with pint glasses
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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