I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
