i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
