It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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