This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
