The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
