birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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