1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
okay pat passed out under dana's car
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
