my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
